


Black Flowers

by Liollama



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, First Time, Fluff, Homophopbia, M/M, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-10 04:47:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11120211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liollama/pseuds/Liollama
Summary: Justin finds a home at Mercy and later on, with Alex.





	1. Open Then Closed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex can't do it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See end for notes

At first, it seemed easy to ignore, easy to sweep under the rug like a piece of lint. But then it began to fizzle over like a bottle of soda that had been jostled on the way back from a supermarket excursion. After that, it wasn't so easy. Suicide could never be easy.

It all started before that list. Alex psyched himself up to believe Hannah and those tapes caused those permeating thoughts, but in actuality, he felt empty even before that list. In fact, that stupid, immature list became the embodiment of those empty feelings. It honestly didn't take a genius to figure that one out.

Alex could never in a million years forgive himself for what he did and didn't do. Funnily enough, he wasn't sure he wanted to. That list was not a sign of how much he hated Jess, but rather a sign of how low his self esteem was. Jess didn't know that, no one knew and he wanted to keep it that way.

You see, the Standall family had moved for a few reasons, but a major one stood out to Alex. His father did not approve of his friends. Well, friend. Alex only had one friend. His name was Damien and they were close, a little too close in his father's eyes.

Damien, being an introverted nerd like Alex, appreciated all the same things Alex liked, and then some. The two told each other everything and after 3 years of having a solid friendship, Alex started to feel weird around him. Damien's green eyes became really freaking pretty, and his light, pink lips made it very hard for Alex to ignore how much he wanted to kiss them. And, Alex knew Damien gazed at him in the same longing way.

So, one day whilst Alex's father and mother were working late shifts, Alex invited Damien over. 10 minutes later, he came round, and once again, the two conversed, happily recounting their tiresome days.

Before they knew it, both 16 year olds became aware of how close they were on the couch, their thighs touching as well as their arms. Alex swiveled round first, eyeing Damien with a look that could only be described as love. It was hardly surprising that Damien's stare mirrored Alex's and after what felt like an hour of staring each other down, Alex nervously leaned forward, pressing his lips lightly against Damien's.

Damien let out a sigh of relief and kissed him back, relishing in the tiny moan that escaped Alex's lips. The blonde's heart raced a mile a minute and _It felt good_ seemed to be the only logical phrase running through Alex's mind, he didn't think he could stop. Not even for air. So when the front door opened, and the sound of keys noisily getting thrown onto the kitchen counter echoed throughout the room, it didn't register. The two continued to kiss, both encased in their own little bubble. Seemingly, nothing could penetrate it.

Until Alex's father yelled, shouting angrily at Damien and ordering him to leave immediately.

Alex remained paralyzed, barely noticing Damien's apology and his retreating form. There seemed to be nothing Alex could say or do, so he allowed himself to empty his emotions out. Similar to moving applications to the recycling bin on a computer, Alex felt his emotions go, but they were still there, dwindling in the back of his mind since the recycling bin didn't get rid of applications completely, so neither could his brain. But he was glad he could ignore them for a bit. It was something he'd been able to do after his parents fought for what Alex hoped was the last time.

It was not the last time , but that wasn't why Alex did it. Wasn't why he held the barrel of the gun to the side of his head. Wasn't why he pulled the trigger.

Alex being closeted, that was a reason. Hannah's tapes, that was a reason. The countless teasing and him being labelled as a "Freak" was a reason too. The inevitability of Justin Foley never having feelings for him, that was yet another reason. The final reason.

In Alex's mind, all he and Justin had ever been were acquaintances, not friends, not really. More like frenemies. They liked talking to each other but not enough to make it into a regularity. Alex liked to think that all changed the night he saw Justin stood on his doorstep. Alex felt his breath literally leave his lungs at just the mere sight of him and wondered, for the first time in a long time if maybe the reason he felt so sad about loosing Jessica, was because it meant loosing Justin.

And Justin sounded so... Desperate. He even told Alex that he would climb up to Alex's room if he needed to. Which, under the circumstances, sounded so stereo-typically romantic. And, even though Alex knew Justin didn't mean it in that way, he couldn't help but think back to how Justin told him, and the jocks, about his ability to climb up Jessica's house, without getting spotted. It always ended in him describing how intimate they were afterwards, and when the jocks guffawed obnoxiously loudly. Alex always remained silent, his blue eyes downcast and his blood running cold with jealousy.

Justin didn't climb into his room though and in a way, Alex wished he had. A small part of him thinking that the secrecy and the seclusion of his room might have sparred something on. However, the two became closer that evening. Not in a romantic way but in a friendly way... And as much as Alex wanted more, he knew Justin and Jessica still loved each other, kind of.

That night at Bryce's, confused Alex. It was so obvious that Justin loved Jessica but what he did to her, hurt her. Alex wasn't sure she would ever forgive him, hell, he knew that he wouldn't forgive Justin if Justin did the same thing to him. Well, maybe he might have.

Yeah, Alex definitely would have.

Alex wasn't sure why he didn't just put the gun in his mouth and kill himself that way. If he had, Alex would have definitely been successful. But for some reason, Alex shot himself in a way that might have allowed for him to pull through. Alex, admittedly, was a good shot and knew where to shoot if he wanted to either live or die. Everything was put in place. His room had never been so tidy and the note he had placed on his desk, glared almost mockingly underneath his lamp light.

Alex slowly pressed the barrel of his dad's gun to the side of his temple, his hands shaking all the while as he did so, and pulled the trigger. The bullet entered Alex's brain, and as soon as it did, Alex collapsed to his bed. Blue eyes rolled to the back of his head but he could still breathe. He couldn't see, couldn't smell, couldn't feel, but he could hear his breath sporadically heave against his rib cage.

But that didn't matter because he felt dead. To him, _that_ was all that mattered and would be all that mattered to him. Nothing could change that...

Well, maybe something could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although I have had suicidal thoughts, I am not in that frame of mind anymore so forgive me if I offend anyone.  
> TW: Suicidal thoughts and homophobia.


	2. Dreams of Blue and Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin gets himself into an altercation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See end for notes

The streets looked as if they had been dipped in black paint. But in reality, it was just the night sky's reflection against puddles of rain. A teenager, whose large yet virtually empty sports bag was slumped over his legs, seemed to be the only static, living thing in town at this time of night. Many passers by threw the teenager, whose name was Justin, looks of sympathy but no one stopped to give him coins or food.

Funnily enough, Justin didn't care too much. Felt like he deserved it, and if he couldn't kill himself with the gun he brought, he might as well die of pneumonia or starvation. Anything felt better than what he was going through now.

His phone had ran out of power long ago and he forgot to bring his charger with him when he left home. So, all contact with anyone was thrown out of the proverbial window. For now, he found himself a lovely patch of concrete outside the cinema. Films had stopped being shown at this time of night, so there were no chances that he would be seen by any one he knew. Thank God.

Justin shivered, wrapping his arms around his stomach in an attempt to keep warm. And for what felt like the 100th time that week, Justin started to cry. And, two hours later, Justin managed to finally get some shut eye.

_Wind breezed past him, feeling as if it blew right through him. He looked down to see his hand locked in someone else's, and this someone wasn't Jessica. This someone had pale, nearly translucent skin. Not tanned, coffee skin. Justin turned his head, and gasped at the sight of Alex. His fascinating features rendering him speechless._

_Justin blinked and nearly screamed at a sudden change in the blonde's appearance. Alex's usually unblemished skin was obscured by a gaping bullet blown out of the side of his head. He fell to the grassy floor beneath him. Seemingly dead._

_Justin fell too, not wanting to let go of Alex's hand. 'Alex...' He cried, cautiously touching the wound. And when he withdrew his hand, it was covered in blood._

_Justin remained paralyzed, the shock of it all rendering him unable to do anything. 'Come find me.' Alex pleaded, his face crumpling and as a strong gust of wind blew passed, Alex's features feathered away. His whole body disappearing like ash._

_'Alex!' Justin screamed._

The sound of someone running by, startled Justin awake. And as he blinked his eyes open, blearily rubbing away sleep, someone else ran by. This guy brandished a knife, looking extremely dangerous.

Justin became hyper aware of his surroundings, and worried for the young teen getting chased. He had to do something. So, without thinking, Justin stood up and made a dash for whomever had the knife. Water sloshed against the legs of his jeans, making them appear even more black than they actually were. Perhaps he was being stupid, perhaps he was searching for trouble, perhaps trouble was an aspect of his self destructive mindset. He didn't mind though. And when he saw the knife wielding teen push the other against a brick wall, Justin didn't recoil.

It didn't take long for him to catch up and what he saw, should have scared him but instead, adrenaline kicked in and before he knew what he was doing, told the guy with the knife to stop.

In a way, Justin felt like laughing at how comical knife-wielder's reaction was. The buff, almost Bryce like replica dropped his persistent hold on the noissete's shoulders and turned around. His wide eyes nearly bulging out of his skeleton.

'Piss off. This is between me and him so fuck off.' He threatened, but Justin didn't move a muscle. Only antagonizing the buff teen even more. 'Alright, you asked for it.'

Before he knew it, Justin was forcefully pushed to the ground. For a horrid moment, Justin felt as if he'd just been brought back to that moment at Jessica' s party. That awful moment where he felt at his absolute weakest. No, he couldn't stay and allow Bryce's lookalike to harm that powerless teen. Justin had to do something.

So, he did. As soon as the buffer teen turned back to face the poor, ebony haired teen. Justin jumped up as hastily as he could, and punched "Bryce" in the back of the head. The move didn't prove very effective, but this time, the smaller teen managed to make a dash for it. Leaving Justin to fend for himself, but once again, Justin didn't feel afraid. He felt... He felt like this might be his way out.

'You son of a bitch.' the buff teen stated, venomously staring Justin down. He threateningly aimed the knife at Justin, and before either knew what was happening, pushed it directly into Justin's chest.

Justin let out a cry for help and then a scream of agonizing pain, he could feel his chest burning and something about his internal organs didn't feel right. "Bryce" pulled out the knife, physically alarmed by how much blood escaped from the wound. Just as he did so, Justin's whole body collapsed to the paved street, his hands reaching across his stomach in a weak attempt to stop the bleeding.

'Uh... Christ. I'm really sorry man.' the buff teen apologized, but instead of bending down to check if Justin was actually OK, or phoning the ambulance. He ran off, leaving Justin to pass out and think about the shitty life he had had. And how he was drowning in a sea of beautiful, enticingly bluey, black sea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal thoughts, violence and mentions of Bryce


	3. Beeps of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin finds himself closer to someone he knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See end for notes

_Alex was back, Justin saw him and he had never seen Alex look so ethereal before, his hair golden and his eyes crystalline. Or had he always looked that, Justin thought he might have done._

_The two were holding hands again, and the field they walked down shone with colorful flowers, alighting sparks to shine in both of their eyes. But this time, Alex stopped walking._

_'I don't know how to come back...I'm not sure I can.' He stated, tears streaming down his cheeks. Justin hesitatingly dragged his hand upwards to clutch around Alex's forearm, intimately. Not sure why, but it seemed he and Alex were in a relationship._

_'Just, remember what you'd miss out on. Remember your friends and family. Remember...Remember me.' Justin told him, begging the blonde to listen. For some reason, his dream self cared so much for a guy he didn't really know all that well in real life. It felt strange. As if his feelings for Jessica had intensified and were projected onto Alex._

_Justin liked it._

_'I know, but it's just so hard.' Alex said._

_Before Justin knew what was happening, Alex pulled out a gun from his jacket pocket, pressed it to the side of his temple and pulled the trigger._

Justin woke up screaming, his head aching and from a scale of 1 to 10, he felt high in the 8 to 9 region in terms of how rotten he felt. His eyes blearily became acquainted with brand new surroundings which only frightened him even more. Not that he would have preferred to wake up at home with his mother and her crappy boyfriend to greet him, or on the streets again. But waking up somewhere unfamiliar would have freaked anyone out.

The sterility of his room and the uncomfortably soft bed beneath Justin, plus the constant beeping of a machine he was attached to, definitely gave him the conclusion that the hospital was where he was. Which begged the question as to why he lay in a hospital room in the first place, but a dull pain in his side reminded Justin, causing panic to settle within him. He thrashed and yelled for help, contemplating escape before a timid nurse hurriedly stumbled into Justin's room, asking if he was OK. Her brown hair loosely tied into a bun on the top of her head made her seem frazzled and on edge. She looked around her late 30's and Justin couldn't help but think she looked alarmingly similar to someone he knew.

Her face did not look right, as if she was only smiling to keep up appearances or what have you. Tears were visible right under her very blue eyes, worry lines creased against her forehead and her skin appeared extremely pale. Justin didn't know who she was, but he could tell she never looked like that on a daily basis. But then he knew someone who did, and that's when it all clicked.

Before the nurse said anything else, Justin spoke first, "Are you...Are you Alex's mom?"

"How did you...How did you know?" She asked.

"He told me you worked at a hospital, and you look a lot like him so yeah, I guess I just put two and two together." Justin explained, calmed by a moderately familiar face, "Sorry, I don't want to sound presumptuous, he's a cool kid and for some reason, whatever medication I'm on is making my mouth run off with me, so sorry...again."

There was a pause, a long, slightly awkward pause before Alex's mother broke down into more tears. Justin could only watch, scared he had said something insensitive. Because he always did. But in this moment, Justin wasn't sure why anything he had said could be classified as insensitive.

"Sorry, I'm being really unprofessional, it's just...my baby, my baby, he...uh...he committed suicide a few days ago...well, he tried to but now...Now he's comatose, and I've been trying so hard to take care of him, but it's so hard."

Justin felt his heart stop, _Alex tried to...He tried to...oh Fuck_. Suddenly those nonsensical dreams started to make a lot more sense now...Alex...no, not Alex. Not the only one who gave a shit, or the only one who felt any hint of remorse for what he did. Not the only person Justin knew, who might have been a brilliant friend for him to have.

"He...He did. Do you mind me asking how?"

Justin would have asked why as well but he already kinda knew why Alex did what he did, and hated the fact that he saw signs but didn't confront Alex about them. Hell, Alex even mentioned committing suicide to him and a bunch of other people, but Justin stupidly didn't think anything of it.

Nurse Standall swallowed, frowning at Justin, "He shot himself in the head with one of his dad's guns."

How could he have survived that, Justin thought, automatically assuming Alex lodged the barrel of the gun in his mouth first. That would have been the sure fire way to succeed. But maybe he didn't.

"He's lucky he shot himself in the side of his head, otherwise I... I wouldn't have my baby anymore..." Nurse Standall cried, checking Justin's vitals.

"Did he... Did he leave a note or something?" Justin asked. Wondering if Alex pulled a Hannah and recorded some tapes as well. Wondered if he would have been on one and came to the conclusion that he would have. Justin knew Alex didn't like him very much.

Nurse Standall nodded, "Yeah he did. And mentioned a few classmates... Oh, you're Justin. Are... Are you Justin Foley?"

"Yeah, why?" Asked Justin, the throbbing in his lower abdomen becoming more prominent.

"It's just... He mentioned you a bit." She told him.

_I knew it, of course I had something to do with his death. I threatened him, pushed him around, and expected him to let me stay at his house._

"Oh... Shit, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't mean anything by what I did, honestly." Justin apologized.

Alex's mother blinked, briskly shaking her head. "What?, he didn't blame you for anything."

 _Yeah, right_. Justin quipped to himself. "But, I was a complete and utter dickhead towards him." At the distressed look from Nurse Standall after the curse, Justin apologized, profusely. She waved a hand, as if to say she didn't mind all that much.

"He didn't seem to think you were." Was all she said before announcing that the police were going to question Justin about the assailant whom stabbed him. And that they'd be there when he was feeling well enough to talk. Justin shrugged, hoping she wouldn't ask him about his family.

Thankfully, she didn't.

"I'm sure he'll be OK." Justin said just as Alex's mother was leaving his room.

"Oh, me too. It's just sad... Only one person has come to see him other than family. Did he have many friends?" She asked.

 _No_ "Yes" Justin lied, but in reality Zach was Alex's only friend and even then, they weren't exactly tight. And yeah, Justin would have loved to say he and Alex were best friends but in reality, they weren't. Though, after that night at Alex's, they became pretty close. And Justin could happily admit that they weren't enemies anymore, not that he ever thought they were but Alex might have, what with the way Justin treated him.

"Oh, then where are they? Only Zach came to see him" She wondered. Causing a flurry of anger to fizzle through Justin's veins. Alex deserved much more than the card he was handed. He deserved the world. And Justin hated everyone who didn't come to see and visit Alex, everyone who called Alex a friend.

"I'm sure they'll come, though it's difficult seeing someone you know, so damaged and broken. But as soon as I'm out of this bed, I'll go see him first thing." Justin promised. Wanting to do so immediately.

Nurse Standall smiled, more tears making their way down her pale cheeks. She nodded and made her way out of Justin's room, leaving the door ajar. Justin sat up, groaning in pain and maneuvered himself so he could see through the crack of his door. What he saw, nearly ruined him, for there lay Nurse Standall, wracked with tears and ferocious screams. Doctors and nurses crowded around the emotional mother as they cautiously stood her upright, speaking in hushed whispers as they walked her further down the hallway and out of Justin's sight.

'Please don't die." Justin whispered quietly into his room, scared that Alex might just succeed in doing so. Especially if Nurse Standall's reaction was anything to go by.

Justin hoped she was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just uploading all the chapters I uploaded on Wattpad at once.


	4. Hospitals and Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin goes through his options and comes to a conclusion.

It didn't take long for the police to arrive and after Justin recited what he could remember about the knife wielder, "Dark brown hair, brown eyes, buff and looked too old for school.", they asked him about where Justin's family was. In other words, the question he dreaded. So, Justin lied and told him they were both out of the country for a while. The policemen nodded, both wishing him a "Get well soon." before leaving. Once they'd finally gone after a quick and painless interrogation, Justin took a long awaited nap.

Justin wondered if he'd be allowed to stay in the hospital for a while, since he had no where else to live.

He'd ruled out Zach as an option, his garage, though nice, wasn't exactly somewhere he could stay in for long periods of time. It was also obvious that Zach's mom did not like Justin very much. Justin overheard her back-slashing him to her husband, when she thought he and Zach were both sleeping. Bryce was completely out of the picture, Justin did not want to see him again and hoped he never would. And Jessica... Well, Justin didn't want to tempt fate with her.

And, that was about it for Justin's options. He'd come to the conclusion that he didn't have many friends which should have saddened him, but then he thought of Alex. Beautiful, honest Alex, who had only been visited by one friend. Justin knew he deserved much more than that.

A few days later found Justin limping around his room. A new nurse who went by the name of Kathleen, was in charge of keeping tabs on him this time. She informed Justin that nurse Standall had been let off temporarily because of personal reasons, Justin understood and wished her well.

"So um... I was wondering if I could... Stay in the hospital for a while. It's just... I don't really have a home to go back to and no one would miss me anyways." Justin said, sitting himself down on his lumpy hospital bed.

Kathleen frowned, "I'm not sure I can give you that kind of permission... You're 17, right?"

Justin nodded, having a rough idea of where this conversation was going.

"Then, you are not you're own guardian yet. You're still a minor so your mum gets to decide what to do with you"

"Then phone her, and ask her. I'm turning 18 in a couple of weeks but until then... I really can't go back. They kicked me out." Justin explained, wanting so desperately to stay at Mercy until Alex recovered.

Kathleen bit her lip in thought, eyeing the teen with a look of undisguised sympathy. "We'll see." She told Justin, who grinned as if he'd just won the lottery. "And, if you're feeling up to it, you're allowed to visit your friend now... If you want."

"Cool." Justin said, smiling and trying to hold in the joy he was feeling at the moment.

"But I must warn you, his appearance might shock you a little. And he won't be awake for a while, though you never know. He could wake up tomorrow, or in a week from now, or even in a month from now, it's hard to tell." _or not at all._

The brunette sighed, balling up the white blanket underneath him with intense concentration. Justin knew Alex couldn't look the same, knew that a bullet to the head changed someone's appearance as well as their mentality and that scared him. Scared him so fucking much because he had never been in a predicament like this before, and would never have guessed that he would be.

But, Alex needed someone, someone who wasn't Zach or family. And Justin owed that to him, especially after that night in which Alex let him into his house, took him to Bryce's and never asked Justin for anything in return. To Justin, that's what made a good friend.

Hell, even the food tasted good, Justin only wished he could have eaten more before going to Bryce's. In fact, out of all the meals he had eaten, Zach's mom included, Justin couldn't help but think Alex's dad's food was the best. Justin couldn't remember a time in which his own mom cooked anything like that...or anything in general. Hence, Justin liked Alex's house. Justin liked Alex. He liked him a little more than he wanted to admit, and that scared him. Scared him because there was a chance Alex could die, and he never did anything to quell the blonde's suicidal feelings. Justin should have said something. Should have known right after he and Bryce discovered him floating on top of the pool, existentialism and disassociation written all over Alex's face.

_"Thinking about committing suicide there?" Bryce had joked, smiling at the sight of Alex's corpse like figure lying over the pool._

_Justin fought the urge to shut Bryce up and instead asked if Alex was OK whilst clutching his bruised arm, courtesy of one of Bryce's more violent punches. And winced at how much pain he had obtained after what was meant to be just a play fight._

_Alex blinked, seemingly out of the trance he was in and hurriedly flung himself out of the pool. Shivering and mumbling out a quiet, "Yeah."_

_Bryce had left to fetch a towel, leaving Justin and Alex alone._

_"That wasn't serious was it? You weren't actually thinking of...You know?" Justin questioned, seating himself opposite Alex on the planked floor._

_Alex bit his lip. "Um...no...I wasn't actually...I just wanted to know if I could. Um...It turns out I can't, well not in that way."_

Justin stupidly didn't think anything of it, but remembered feeling worried, though that worry dissipated as soon as Alex beat his, Zach's and Montgomery's asses at Halo. For some inexplicable reason, Justin remembered feeling extremely happy every time Alex won. Well, maybe that reason was not so inexplicable.

Maybe that reason constituted for a lot of his awkward moments with Jessica, and his inability to get it up. Which, at the time he thought was caused by stress and those tapes, but...perhaps not. Perhaps his attraction to Alex caused those strange moments. Because Justin could not stop thinking about those blue eyes and blonde hair, no matter how hard he tried.

Alex started to look a lot more attractive than Jessica to Justin, and whether he liked it or not, Justin became more aggressive towards the blonde. He just couldn't help but let his feelings for the blonde out in that way, not that sexuality meant a lot to him. But he loved Jessica. Didn't he?

Justin wasn't so sure.


	5. Damaged But Still There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin sees Alex

Kathleen and Justin made their way towards Alex's room. Justin's heart pounded sporadically against his rib cage with every step closer, and once the nurse and the brunette made their way into the lift going up, Justin panicked. 

No words came out, only uneven breaths as the panic settled in. Justin's brain felt scrambled and his fists had never been so tightly closed. Justin did not know how he should react to Alex's comatose body, and he worried that Alex's appearance might cause him to think of him differently. But Alex would always be beautiful. Hell, the first time Justin ever saw the blonde, he thought he was the prettiest teen he'd ever seen. Justin could even admit that Alex had something to do with Justin's change in sexuality, so the brunette wasn't sure he could face the blonde. Justin's panicked state did not go unnoticed by Kathleen, whom tried to comfort Justin, asking if he was sure about this.

Justin swallowed as a thousand butterflies swarmed around in his stomach, making the knife wound hurt even more. But yeah, he was sure. He needed to see Alex. 

So, Justin nodded, loosening his fists and letting out a large, all encompassing sigh. Somewhat relaxed.

Kathleen smiled just when the lift chimed, signalling that they were on the 7th floor. They were on his floor, Justin was going to see Alex again. Well, a more damaged Alex, but Alex nonetheless.

Hastily, the brunette walked out of the lift, Kathleen hot on his heels as she told him, "He's in room 709."

And for the first time since entering the hallway, he noticed a very astute Mr Standall and a crying Peter seated on a couple of waiting chairs outside Alex's room. Justin couldn't think of anything to say and was so thankful for Nurse...Bruny? Whom said that she'd allowed Justin to see him. Mr Standall glumly stared at Justin, his eyes piercing and calculating.

"You were that kid...the one who stayed the night a few days ago." It wasn't a question.

Justin nodded, suddenly feeling very out of place under Alex's father's scrutinizing gaze. The father grunted in response.

Without saying another word, the police officer left. Leaving a very awkward Justin and an emotionally devastated brother behind. Nurse Bruny (Justin was pretty sure that that was Kathleen's last name) stood idly to the side, her back pressed against a wall.

"Is he alright?" Justin pondered, worried he had done something wrong.

Peter smiled, wiping away a few tears, "He'll come around...Alex just...Alex said a lot of things in his suicide note and well, my dad...He uh...He contributed a little. I think he blames himself." 

Justin gnawed at his bottom lip, "Was I...Uh...It's just that I...I believe I played a large part in why Alex did what he did too." Justin admitted, but the brother waved a hand.

"Nah...It was not your fault, Foley. He may have mentioned you a lot but no, you were never blamed." Peter assured Justin.

"Then why was I even on the suicide note?" Justin queried.

"I'm not sure I'm the one to tell you that." Peter said, knowingly, eyeing Alex's door and then directing his stare at Justin.

"But...what if he doesn't pull through?" Justin whispered, his voice cracking as the last word came out. Peter's confiding expression changed to one of utter sadness, and Justin wished they were close enough to hug or whatever, they both could have done with one. But alas, Nurse Kathleen warned Justin that he didn't have very long because he needed to get back to his room.

Justin gave Peter a look of understanding before making his way to Alex's door, but before opening it, he turned back to Peter. "Why are you sitting outside his room?" He asked, confused as to why he could go in, but the Standalls weren't in there too.

"It's hard, it's hard for all of us seeing him so...damaged. You'll understand." Peter whimpered.

The younger brunette cautiously acknowledged what Alex's brother said with a tiny nod, and slowly opened Alex's door. Alex's bedridden form attached to a ton of hospital equipment became the first thing he saw and rendered him utterly speechless.

Vacant beeps sounded in the background, alerting Justin that Alex was still there, still gripping onto something that kept him alive. Those beeps comforted Justin no end. He didn't know inane beeping could be such a relief to him but alas, there he was, relishing in the fact that Alex was still alive.

Though, as Justin neared Alex's unconscious body, he couldn't help but think that Alex already looked lifeless. His pale skin only looked more pale underneath the dwindling sunlight pouring in from the only window in his room. And a bandage wrapped around his forehead, obscured the bullet wound forced into the side of head. Alex's eyes were closed and his pretty eyelashes fanned out against his cheeks accentuated the peaceful illusion of Alex's comatose body. Justin could believe Alex was only asleep. If it wasn't for the beeping and the sterile setting they were in.

For some reason, Justin didn't find himself feeling any different towards Alex. And, even if the two didn't exactly see eye to eye every day, Justin had known Alex for a couple of years now. Which meant that they hit it off more than they angered each other. Happily, Justin could remember so many countless times in which he laughed so fucking loudly because of one of Alex's sarcastic jokes. He'd never laughed like that around Jessica. Nor had she with him.

That should have upset him more than it did.

Justin approached Alex, his fingers shaking with nerves. Nurse Bruny left the room with a subdued "I'll be right out there if you need me." And waved her arm roughly in the direction of Peter's slumped body.

"Thank you...Just, thank you for everything."

Nurse Bruny smiled and quietly closed the door behind her, leaving Justin and an unconscious Alex alone.


	6. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin has a one sided conversation with a damaged Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See end for notes

Up close, Alex looked rough. The injuries he had obtained during his fight with Montgomery still obscured parts of his face. Yet, it was obvious that whomever was taking care of him had stitched most of those injuries up. His blonde hair still carried traces of matted blood and Justin could see bits of red peeking out from underneath Alex's bandage. Which was a sign that Alex's shot wasn't clean cut. 

Justin sat down on the chair next to Alex's bed and remained silent for a few seconds, contemplating on whether or not he wanted to tell Alex everything. Kathleen had told Justin that there was a very slim chance that Alex could still hear things, but Justin wanted to tell someone.  Needed to.

He sighed and wrung his hands together, wondering where to start. 

"I know you probably can't hear me but I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not realizing sooner, I'm sorry I didn't stop the fight between you and Montgomery. I'm sorry I snapped at you in the canteen. I'm sorry that Hannah recorded those fucking tapes in the first place." Justin began, reckoning that an apology was a good place to start.

"It's just...I want to thank you for letting me stay at yours that evening. I don't think you know how much that gesture meant to me so yeah...You're a good guy, Standall. I don't care if you disagree with me, because you are. You're kind and you knew that what you did to Hannah was wrong when no one else did. Hell, I wish I knew sooner like you, we could have helped each other out but I'm an idiot. A weak fucking idiot. 

You see, my home life fucking sucks. My mom literally lives on drugs and so does her boyfriend who hates me with a passion. I had no one growing up so my version of family life is pretty skewed. And then school came around. That's when I met Bryce, who was kind to me. He felt like the family member I wished I had growing up, but now I don't think I can ever look at him again. And Zach keeps me in his garage whenever I need somewhere to stay but you...even though you barely knew me, you took me in. You fed me food. You persisted that I stayed in your bed and when I demanded to sleep on the floor, you gave me all of your blankets and told me that your room was warm anyway. But I heard you shivering Standall. Your room was freaking cold that night so I gave you back all of the blankets except one. 

Jesus Standall, none of my friends have treated me with so much selflessness before. Not to that extent. I now know that Bryce was only treating me like a toy and Zach only looks after me on principle.  But you, you didn't have to let me in. Could have easily allowed me to sleep in your garage but you didn't. God, I don't even think you notice how much you mean to me. Because you do...mean a lot to me." Justin admitted, guiding a shaky hand over to where Alex's lay upturned on his baby blue blanket.

"I've only known you for a year and a half and we've barely talked but whenever we do, I feel butterflies. I don't feel butterflies with Jessica any more, only you...Because I think I love you, Alex. I've known that for a while." Justin said, his voice cracking when he said Alex's actual name.

"You better wake up, Standall." Justin whispered, grabbing Alex's ice cold hand in his and relishing in the feeling of it. Hand holding reminded Justin of the dreams he'd been having, reminded him of Alex's gun shot wound that he'd already seen in his subconscious. Justin thought it strange that the brain could conjure up something that already happened in real life. Something he'd never actually seen with his own two eyes.

After ten minutes of just silently observing the blonde breathe in and out, and drawing simple patterns across Alex's hand. Justin felt himself dozing off and before he knew it, found his head lolling to the side, sleep taking over him. 

_This time, his unconscious painted black flowers instead of colorful ones. This time his subconscious placed him in Alex's arms. The blonde hugging him as if his life depended on it. Justin clutched Alex's shirt, wanting so desperately for this to be real._

_"Justin...Justin." Alex mumbled against his neck. "I think I'm dying."_

_"No, don't say that. You have to survive this, you will survive this. You're strong, so fucking strong Alex and if you die, I'm not sure how I'll be able to cope without you." Justin cried._

_"I love you." Alex said._

_"I love you too." Justin breathed._

Several days later, Justin found himself cleared from the Hospital. And, a light in the dark abyss of his life came in the form of Nurse Bruny, whom told Justin that his mom gave him permission to stay for a few weeks. So he did, and always visited Alex. Most days found Justin with his head situated on Alex's bed and one hand loosely holding Alex's left, wishing that Alex would wake up whenever he came to see him. However, after 2 weeks, Justin began to grow weary and worried Alex never would. 

On a particularly dreary day, the brunette was just about to get some shut eye before the sound of frantic beeps and then the sound of one of the machines flat lining woke Justin out of his stupor. Kathleen was there first, telling Justin to get out before a foray of Nurses and Doctors ran into Alex's room. Ordering him to leave and spouting out a lot of hospital jargon. 

Alex's hand felt a lot more colder than usual and as Justin let go, he felt a sense of _this could be it. Alex could be dead._

"He's not...He's not dead is he?" Justin asked, loitering in the doorway. Kathleen threw him an unsure look before rushing over and closing the door in Justin's face.

Peter, whom had been to visit almost every time Justin did, was stood up, his phone pressed to his ear. The two had rarely talked to each other, but Justin knew Peter cared so much about Alex and he could relate to that. He'd seen Nurse Standall a few times too, but she had taken her son's suicide a little too much to heart and could barely look at him. Justin rarely ever saw Sergeant Standall.

"Dad, you need to come back. It's not looking good..." There was a pause as his dad talked, but what he said through the phone, angered Peter. "Are you fucking kidding me?...He's your son. He's your bloody son..." 

Justin watched as Peter grew even more frustrated with his father, it seemed that every word just made him angrier.

"So what? So what if he is?" Peter admonished. "So that's it then, you won't see him?"

His father must have given a negative, "Well, good. You don't deserve to see him anyway, it's your fault that he's even here." Peter said, right before hanging up.

A silence overcame the two teens, both searching for something to say. Justin spoke first, "Family troubles?"

Peter nodded, wiping a hand across his teary eyes. "Is he...Do you think he'll be ok?"

Justin cast his blue eyes downwards, remembering the last look Kathleen had given him.  Suddenly, Justin felt an onslaught of tears stream down his cheeks. His hands shook with anxiety and he felt sick to his stomach. He wondered if that was how Alex was feeling all that time he had stomach pains. Wondered how he managed to survive with them for so long because Justin had never felt so awful.

Before he knew it, Justin ran over and threw his arms around Peter, cringing at the dull pain sparking in his stomach. Not sure if it was because of anxiety or the stab wound, or a mixture of both.

Both almost strangers relished in the human contact, crying and mumbling things like "He'll be Ok." and "He'll get through this." Even though it was very likely that Alex wouldn't, if nurse Bruny's reaction to Alex flat-lining was anything to go by.

After 5 minutes, Justin and Peter sat down on the waiting chairs. Peter kindly offered Justin a tissue and took one out for himself. Justin smiled and used one to wipe away his tears. 

"Why doesn't his dad want to see him?" Justin questioned, the curiosity eating away at him.

Peter sighed, "Because, he's just...He doesn't understand is all. I'm not sure if he's guilt-ridden or if he's just being a dickhead."

Justin frowned, and, knowing this topic was touchy, chose to change the subject. "And how's Nurse Standall?"

"Oh...She's alright, well, as alright as she possibly can be. What about you? Where are your parents?"

The younger brunette ran a hand across his face, wanting to forget about his mom and her shitty boyfriend but couldn't seem to escape them. "My mom has kicked me out...she's chosen her boyfriend over me so yeah, I'm going to stay here until Alex hopefully recovers." 

Peter nodded, "He will. I'm sure of it." 

 _But what if he doesn't?_ Justin thought. 

A comfortable silence overcame the two teens, but after an hour or so of Justin flicking through a crappy gossip magazine, he grew anxious. The words became an incomprehensible blur right in front of his eyes, and his stomach felt like it was trying to turn itself inside out. Justin did not get anxious easily, he was usually someone who rarely felt anxiety but then, at that moment, he felt vomit rising up his esophagus and threatening to spill. Sick did not even begin to describe how Justin was feeling. 

Just as Justin was about to vomit all over the magazine and the spotless, tiled floor beneath him, Alex's door opened and nurse Bruny walked out, tiny splatters of blood obscuring parts of her pale blue uniform. 

She smiled, "Alex is...Alex is going to be OK."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing.


	7. The Note Enveloped in Even More Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin gives Alex a few more words and reads his note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See end for notes

Relief couldn't even begin to describe how Justin (and Peter) felt because of the news. 

Alex was going to be OK.

Both teens stood up and hugged one another again, smiling and laughing giddily. After a few seconds, the two let go of one another as they noticed the now serious expression on Nurse Bruny's face.

"But guys, he does have a bit of brain damage. We had to do a tiny amount of immediate brain surgery just now, to fix everything up. I'm sorry but we did the best we could." Nurse Bruny explained as the nurses and doctors left Alex's room, carrying equipment more suited to a torture chamber than a hospital. "He's under anesthesia at the moment but sometime during the operation, he gained consciousness. So there's a chance you might see him with his eyes open next time."

Justin grinned, "Can I see him now?"

"I see no reason why you shouldn't." She said.

By this time, Peter was on the phone to somebody (probably Nurse Standall if his calm and composed way of talking was anything to go by). Justin quirked his head in Peter's direction, silently asking if it was OK for him to see Alex. Justin got a returning thumbs up and hastily strode towards Alex's room and made his way inside.

Alex looked as if he was no better than he was before, and with his bandage gone, all Justin saw was a large scar that climbed over Alex's left ear and ended somewhere behind his scalp. Some of his hair had been shaved off too but the small clumps of blood had been washed out.

The brunette slumped back in the chair and joined his hand with Alex's, stroking the blonde's continually cold skin with his fingertips.

"You've got this Alex. Please wake up... Please."

Unbeknownst to Justin, Nurse Bruny and Peter were stood in the door way, knowing looks plastered on both of their faces. 

To anyone else, Justin and Alex must have been in a relationship, Nurse Bruny and Peter included. But Justin knew that Alex could order him to leave as soon as he woke up. In fact, Justin was expecting that. Justin only stayed to see Alex alive and well, that's all he wanted. That's all he thought he wanted.

Because Jessica and Justin were no longer a couple. Justin felt as if he lost something very near and dear to his heart. Hell, he even tried to kill himself over her. But Alex...Alex was something entirely different. If he died, Justin was quite sure he could succeed in jumping off that construction tower. That thought alone made Justin question the reasons for why he persistently stayed by Alex's bedside every night. His throat sore after telling the unconscious blonde things he had never told Jessica, or anyone else for that matter.

Peter idly made his way into the room, politely tapped Justin on the shoulder and waited for him to turn to face him, "Do you...You love him don't you." Like his father, Peter did not ask but merely stated the fact. Justin reddened, his hand automatically leaving Alex's and his words getting caught in his throat. 

"I...Uh...No, I don't." Justin lied, barely attempting to cover that lie up in a truth. The slightly older teen did not believe Justin for a second, and even without his Psychology and Criminology knowledge, Justin knew that Peter knew how obvious his lie was.

"Look, Justin. I know you don't have a home but you and I both know that the Hospital is not the best substitute for one, and you rarely leave his side. I just... I want to know why he means so much to you is all." 

Justin sighed, swiping a hand across his face as a few tears ran down his blushing face. There was no point hiding it anymore, for the past couple of months, Justin had already come to that conclusion. And wanted to tell someone who could actually help him.

"Alright, so what if I do? I can't do anything about it." He hissed. 

"Hasn't this whole experience taught you that life is only so temporary? What have you got to lose?" Peter lectured.

"Um, a couple of teeth after he punches me in the face. He's not even attracted to dudes." Justin stated, recalling Alex's short fling with Jessica, but then remembering nothing afterwards. Alex always spent his time mulling over Jessica and hoping they would get together but they never did. From what Justin knew, Alex never had any romantic encounters with anyone else.

"And how would you know that?" Peter asked, coyly smiling at Justin and rousing a tiny amount of confusion to swarm around in Justin's body. _How would he know?_

Peter was right. Justin had no way of knowing and vouching on appearance alone, Justin (and others) assumed Alex dressed that way because he was comfortable with his sexuality. Yet, as soon as Alex and Jessica were seen walking down the hallway, hand in hand, no one batted an eyelash. Except for Justin, who at the time, wanted to be holding hands with Jessica. But now, thinking back, maybe that was just a guise. All those times he'd seen the two laughing and canoodling in the back of the canteen, maybe he wished he _was_ Jessica. 

"Well, do _you_ know?" Justin confronted, 

Peter paused, seemingly in deep thought and after much deliberation, the older brunette reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small wad of folded piece of paper. "I'm only giving you this because Alex doesn't have the courage to."

Justin took one glance at the wad of paper in Peter's hand and knew almost instantly what it was. Alex's note.

"Are you sure he won't mind?"

"Oh, he will. But I think reading this will make you understand...

Justin cautiously took the clump of paper and realized that there must have been at least 2 pages.  That thought scared him a little.

"Make sure you read this somewhere secluded,  I don't want my mom seeing you reading this when she gets here. She'll only freak." Peter warned.

The younger brunette nodded, knowing full well how Nurse Standall would react. Justin concluded that Peter stole the note from her room, so if Nurse Standall found out that he'd taken the note,  she'd be furious. Justin could hardly imagine how angry she'd be with her eldest son. But he didn't want to leave. What if Alex woke up?

Sensing Justin's reluctance to leave, Peter tapped his shoulder, "He's not going to be awake for hours yet." He said, by way of reassurance.

"You're probably right." Justin agreed, "But can I just say a few more words?... Alone? He's going to be awake soon and there are just a couple more things I want to tell him."

Peter smiled and left the room, quietly closing the door shut behind him.

Once he'd gone, Justin began to run his fingers through Alex's slightly greasy hair and brushed it away from his forehead. After a few moments, words began to pour out of Justin's mouth with a rushed velocity to them, but Justin knew that this might have been the last time he could tell an unconscious Alex about his feelings for him. He needed to vent. So he did.

"God,  I miss you. I miss you so fucking much, you have no idea how happy I am now that I know you're going to be OK. Also, I'm well aware that I'm probably the last person you want to see, and, just so you know, you're totally allowed to kick me out. Though, even if I never really showed it, I've always liked you Standall. Always liked your quirky fashion sense, your hair,  your pretty blue eyes, your sarcastic sense of humor, and your interest in music. And I'm frightened that the Alex who wakes up, won't know who I am,  or won't even be the same Alex. But don't worry, I'll help. I've made a lot of awful mistakes in my life and I plan to make up for them by helping you." Justin explained, his hand now running down Alex's arm.

"You're going to hate me for this."

Impulsively, Justin got up from his chair, leaned down and kissed Alex's forehead; His hand was clutched around the blonde's forearm with a desperation he didn't even think he had. And then, regrettably, Justin let go. Yet, the feeling of Alex's impossibly soft skin lingered in Justin's mind, causing him to blush slightly. 

When Justin finally left the room, suicide note encased in his hand, he began to worry that Alex might have felt that kiss, might have felt the way Justin squeezed his arm with an intimate sort of persistence only a lover could possess. 

Though, a part of Justin hoped Alex did feel those things, the small part of him that felt alarmingly similar to hope and desperation. 

Justin shook his head, and gave Peter an encouraging look as he too, entered Alex's room. Justin then went through a list of possible places he could read Alex's note without being disturbed and decided that the top floor waiting room fit the bill. That area was usually the emptiest, and sometimes Justin went there when he needed some quiet time alone. 

So, Justin waited for when the lift was going up and glared down at Alex's note with an unabashed sense of curiosity. _What was in those pages?_

As soon as the lift doors opened, Justin strode in, glad that no one else was in the lift with him. Such a thing was a rarity, especially for a hospital as popular as _Mercy_. He didn't like conversing with strangers at the best of times, much less at a time like this, so he let out a sigh of unabashed relief. 

When the cheerful ding of the elevator sounded, signalling that Justin had made it to the top floor, he hastily strode out into the emptier hallway. The receptionist didn't spare him a second glance, used to the strange brunette coming in and out of the 19th floor. Once again, Justin was glad that she didn't initiate conversation but felt bad for thinking that, he'd talked to her before and she was nice. Justin just wasn't in the mood for that today, especially with that mentally heavy note clutched in his hand.

He found himself walking for a few minutes until he found a virtually empty waiting room and sat down. For a minute, he just breathed, trying and failing to settle the panic boiling in his stomach. This felt like the same kind of feeling he got after hearing Hannah's voice on those tapes for the first time. But for some reason, this felt worse. Much worse. Justin's fingers even shook as he unfolded the note, nearly dropping it in the process. 

He saw the first line in Alex's familiar scrawl and nearly gave up on reading it; he could literally hear Alex's voice as he read the casual,  _To whomever._

But, instead of folding the note up, taking the lift back down to the 7th floor and handing it back to Peter, Justin continued to read.

_I know you probably think that whatever I did was stupid...Pointless even. Why should Alex Standall want to kill himself? Well, the answer is simple. Because I didn't feel the need to go on anymore, acting like my life was OK. I'm sorry, but that's how it is._

_I believe it all started with Damien. That friend I spent practically every day with. Dad, I think you'd remember him the most, because you sent him away and then you sent us away. I didn't even really get to say goodbye to him and for that, I'm not sure I have ever been able to entirely forgive you. But I'm not blaming you because it's not your fault, it's nobody's fault but mine._

_But, you made me hide that large aspect of myself from everyone, including me. I went out with a girl I thought I loved, I participated in your hunting excursions, I tried my best in P.E and I changed the group of friends I had. I'm only glad you didn't force me to change my fashion sense, or redye my hair, but let me tell you, I was fully expecting you too._

_The thing is Dad, you made me believe that being gay was wrong. I can't tell you how glad I am in the fact that I didn't turn out like you. I actually accepted other people, even though I couldn't accept myself. However, other than that, I have to admit that you were a pretty decent dad._

_And mum, I know you're probably really sad and I hate myself for dragging you into this mess, but believe me, it's for the best. And you were right, I had cut down on food. I'm sorry for lying to you but I didn't want to worry you. Those stomach pains seemed to be a symptom of me not eating rather than the crushing guilt and anxiety crawling around in my gut._

_You'll probably find out why I was feeling that way soon, so I'm not going to talk about that._

_I'm sorry Jessica,  for everything.  I'm sorry for writing Hannah's and your name down in that stupid fucking list. I'm sorry for taking a leaf out of Bryce's book and making you feel like shit for not having sex with me. But the truth is, I was angry with myself. Angry for thinking that having sex with you would solve all of my problems and for that, I could never be more sorry. However, I have no right to be forgiven for what I did._

_And Zach, you don't deserve this. I know you're probably pissed off at me for doing what I'm going to do, but I want you to know that you're a good person. What I said that day at Monet's was true. You have a good heart and I'm glad to call you my friend._

_I want to talk about Justin Foley now, I feel like there's a few things I need to say about him and I'm sorry dad for making you uncomfortable (just pretend that I'm talking about someone called Justine Foley, and not the guy who came to stay a couple of nights ago). But as you've probably guessed, I'm gay (I might be bi but at the moment I'm leaning more towards gay). Foley, if you're reading this, I love you. Have for a while now._

Justin narrowed his eyes in confusion. 

 _Now, you may be thinking something along the lines of_ how? We barely knew each other.  _But here's the thing,  we did know each other.  And it didn't take me long to figure out that the times I spent you with you, were my favorites. You were just so fucking cool Foley, and you were really kind too (when you wanted to be). I'm just ashamed, all that time I spent mulling over Jessica was actually me mulling over you. If you ever saw me staring at you and Jessica,  I bet you thought I was reminiscing over Jessica but no, I was staring at you._

_I can understand that you probably think I'm a creep, hell, I think I'm a creep too but the thing is, I'm dead now so I have nothing to lose. I'm not even sure why I'm telling you this,  I reckon it's because I kept it bottled inside for so long and now that I'm actually going to die, I feel like I can._

_Peter, I'm going to say it now; I can't imagine how shit I've made you feel but please, don't do anything stupid. You are one of the greatest people I know and I loved you so much. But there's something I want to ask you. Don't tell Justin (or the others) about this suicide note until after I'm definitely dead._

_As you've all probably realized,  I've been depressed for a while. I hate myself and you know what, I reckon I deserve to hate myself. But guys, none of you had anything to do with why. I just want to make that clear, alright. This is all on me._

_Alex._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicidal thoughts and homophobia


	8. Memories And The Idea Of Forgetting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr Standall is a dick...And Justin remembers some past memories with Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See end for notes

After reading through Alex's note yet another time, Justin began to cry. _God, if only I had been there, I could have told him. I should have told him that night I stayed over...So many missed opportunities_. However, Alex wasn't dead. As final as his suicide note made it seem, Alex was still alive. Justin could still tell Alex how much the blonde meant to him and vowed that he would, as soon as Alex woke up.

His tears dropped onto Alex's note and stained parts of the thin refill paper. He wiped them away from his eyes with a furious swipe of his right hand.

Hastily, Justin got up from the slightly uncomfortable chair and made his way back down the hallway. The receptionist smiled at Justin when he walked passed, a finger twirling around a strand of red hair. Justin smiled back and completely ignored her unsubtle attempt at flirting; his mind set on one person and one person only.

Once he found himself safely in the lift, Justin made sure to fold the note back up and slid it carefully into his jacket pocket. Mrs Standall must have arrived by now and he couldn't let her see the note.

The lift pinged and as soon as the doors opened, Justin heard voices coming from his right. These voices were timid, these voices were trying not to be heard but Justin could hear them. When one of these voices uttered the word _Standall,_ Justin's ears pricked up with curiosity and so he sneaked some place where he could hear them perfectly and not be seen.

"What did you tell them?" One nurse said, Justin was pretty sure she was Nurse Bruny.

"I told them there was a chance that Alex might not remember who they are, just from the surgery alone, he didn't seem to be very receptive. It seemed like he didn't know why he was actually there and for the five minutes of him being awake, he didn't speak, only panicked." An informed nurse explained, his voice making him sound like he was under a lot of stress and Justin could tell that he must have been. Justin was too.

The dull pain still ached where he had been stabbed, and for a second he wondered if the police had any leads. But, Justin realized that if it wasn't for that, he wouldn't be here today. Wouldn't even know about Alex, and might have still been in that dream where he and Alex were together. Everything seemed to fall into place, Alex was going to wake up, Justin was going to confess his attraction for him and the two were going to hug, kiss and dance around Alex's hospital room. But there was one thing...One thing that might prevent that from happening.

Alex might not remember him.

In some ways, Justin might have thought that a good thing for starting over purposes, but if Alex's note was still true, the two didn't need to start over. Alex actually loved Justin, said so in his suicide note; even after the way Justin treated him. Fuck, Justin hoped, hoped with everything he had, that Alex hadn't forgotten him. But if he had, Justin would try his hardest to rekindle an even stronger friendship with the blonde. Wondered if their next meeting might be better than their first.

_1 year ago..._

_A couple weeks after Justin's date with Hannah and the subsequent leak of her photo, saw Justin sitting and laughing with his other jock cronies. Yet, even while he laughed along with whatever shitty joke spewed out of Bryce's mouth, Justin's blue eyes kept gravitating over to where an awkward teen sat by himself._

_For a reason unbeknownst to him at that present moment in time, Justin felt the urge to get up and walk over to where that awkward blonde sat. So he did and ignored the irritating comments he got from Bryce and the others._

_The blonde looked up from his distinctly average cafeteria food, surprised that a jock was actually paying him attention and not calling him a freak_.

_"Hey dude, wanna sit with us?" Justin asked._

_"Are you serious?" The blonde queried, "Is this a prank or something?"_

_Justin hastily shook his head no, making sure that the blonde didn't think that. "No, of course not. Um...."_

_"Alex Standall...What's your name?"_

_"Justin, Justin Foley."_

_And that was the start of that._

Hurriedly, Justin made his way back to Alex's room. Not even thinking to knock before he barged in and reddened at the sight of Alex's father, mother and brother crowded around his bed. Simultaneously, all three swiveled round to face the person who interrupted their family time with an undisguised look of annoyance.

As soon as Peter and Mrs Standall found out that it was only Justin, their faces changed from annoyance to one of friendliness. Mr Standall, however, continued to look at Justin as if he carried the plague. In return, Justin gave him the same angered look as he remembered the foul mistreatment Mr Standall had given his son.

Peter put two and two together and before any words were said between Justin and the police sergeant, Peter beckoned Justin out of the room and closed the door. He then led Justin a few meters away, so that they weren't in ear shot.

"Look, Justin...Don't say anything." Peter begged, "He's a cop. So don't think he won't kick you out of the hospital for saying something antagonistic towards him."

Justin clenched his fists, "But, he ruined Alex's life. He's a homophobe, and a controlling one at that." He seethed.

Peter sighed, "Don't think I disagree with you because you're right, he is. But he's my dad."

Justin squinted his eyes, thinking about how similar this relationship was to his and Bryce's. Because, like Jessica said, Bryce only treated Justin with kindness so he could own him. But Justin already came to that conclusion a few days before she told him. Funnily enough, his stay at Alex's confirmed his suspicions pertaining to Bryce's reasons for taking him in. Because there was no sense of _you owe me_ after he left Alex's. In fact, he felt like the opposite was true. That stay, along with his break up with Jessica, was a major reason for why he finally cut ties with Bryce.

He understood Peter, understood the conundrum he was in because Bryce was the family he wished he had. And once he realized that Bryce could possibly be one of the worst people he'd ever interacted with, it was still so hard for him to end things with him. Mr Standall, on the other hand, was Peter's father, a constant static in his life whereas Bryce, Bryce was ever changing. Sometimes he was nice, sometimes he was an ass, but all of the time, he was a rapist.

Justin hated him.

"I understand...honestly dude, I get it. But you can't let him get away with this... "

"What should I do? Tell on him? go to the police? Look, Justin, there's nothing I can do." Peter interrupted. Justin paused, knowing that Peter was right, nothing could be done.

"It's just so unfair. And I feel like shit for not doing something to help Alex and now, i feel like I have a chance to do something right. Because I'll be honest, most of my time spent with Alex consisted of us bickering and being sarcastic towards each other. We weren't friends...not really." he admitted.

Not until Justin's arrival at Alex's and the subsequent event at Bryce's.

_Justin really felt like shit. Jessica's slap hurt him a lot more than it should have, but maybe that had something to do with the fact that their relationship was no more. Once Bryce had gone, Justin collapsed to the ground as tears welled up and drenched his cheeks in moisture. The group of jocks stayed where they were, not moving an inch. But Alex, someone whom definitely didn't classify himself as one of the jocks, cautiously stepped towards him, crouching down so he was at eye level with Justin._

_Zach led all the others into Bryce's house, probably aware of Justin's situation and how gawking at him couldn't do him any favors. Both Alex and Justin internally thanked him, glad that they weren't being watched._

_"Foley, it'll be alright." Alex comforted, a hand gravitating towards Justin's shoulder._

_Justin stubbornly shook his head, no, all the while staring down at wooden floor boards and leaves that had blown onto Bryce's obnoxiously large porch._

_"Seriously, you'll be fine. You did the right thing, OK?"_

_Funnily enough, Justin didn't think he would have had the courage to tell Jessica the truth, if it wasn't for Alex's continuous mantra of "Tell her Justin's"._

_"Justin, look at me." Alex ordered._

_At the sound of Alex saying his first name (for once), Justin couldn't help but look up. As soon as his blue eyes met Alex's even prettier blue eyes, he regretted it. Regretted the way his tongue automatically licked his lips at the sight of how fucking beautiful Alex looked. His usually blonde hair appeared silver and his pale skin seemed somewhat ethereal under the luminous moonlight_.

_The two seemed encapsulated by each other's stare, captured in a tiny bubble that only contained the two of them. Justin found himself counting the different colors he could see in Alex's eyes, blue, tiny specks of gold and green. It all became so overwhelming, too overwhelming, it meant that he had to look away. So, he did._

_Alex shook his head, as if he had just witnessed something that couldn't have happened. Justin did the same thing in an attempt to shake off the feelings bubbling inside of him. he wanted to kiss Alex, wanted to hug him, wanted to confess his attraction for the blonde but couldn't..._

It wasn't a rebound, Justin knew that. He'd liked Alex for as long as he could remember but Jessica, Jessica was safe. He didn't think for one second that Alex could have been anything but straight after his relationship with her. Which was mainly why he didn't try to pursue anything with him, and instead chose to bully him, tease him and make Alex feel like shit.

"Yeah but... you read the note. Alex loves you. Aren't you going to do something about that?" Peter questioned.

Justin nearly forgot where he was, and remembered admitting to Peter that he and Alex were not friends. Because they weren't friends. Hell, a couple of months ago, Justin might have even called him a rival but now, fuck, they had a chance together.

"Dude, that's why I barged into his room like that. But now...now I'm second guessing myself...and I'm scared that he might have forgotten me or something. I've heard the nurses y'know, how they've been talking about the possibility of him loosing some of his memory. Aren't you worried he might have forgotten _you_?"

Peter let out a breath he'd been holding, "Of course I am, fuck dude, I've never worried about anyone this much before. Like, now I know Alex is going to live, I can't help but think it's too good to be true and I'm scared."

"I'm scared too" Justin whispered, wondering if Jessica would even care about Alex. She hadn't visited him once. Justin was glad to have seen Zach visit the hospital at least 3 times a week, but dreaded the conversation about school and why he hadn't been in 2 weeks. So he tended to avoid Zach and usually found himself on the top floor when the jock arrived. But, Alex needed someone else, and Zach was nice (most of the time). Justin only wished that the other jocks visited too, but no. None of them did. "and I'm pissed off that Zach and I seem to be the only non-family members who've visited him"

"Me too...Me too." Peter agreed.

The two jumped in surprise at the sound of Alex's door swinging open, Mr Standall and Nurse Standall appeared to be having a heated argument as they walked out of his room.

"For fuck's sake...How could you even say that? He's your son and he's a brilliant one at that." Nurse Standall yelled.

Peter gestured for Justin to stay put, so he did and the two silently hid around the corner, listening into the conversation.

"He's a fucking faggot." Mr Standall spat, "He's no son of mine."

"Get out! I want you to leave."Mrs Standall ordered.

"What? You think I'll hurt him or something. Well, he'd deserve it, I'm glad he tried to kill himself and am only sad that he managed to survive."

There was the sound of skin hitting skin, and it became obvious that one of them had just been slapped. Justin hoped it was Mr. Standall. That homophobic bastard.

"How fucking dare you." Mrs Standall seethed, but she sounded in control. Justin felt confident in saying that she hit Mr. Standall, and would have definitely done the same if he was in her shoes. "I hate you. Always have. Alex doesn't deserve you anyway, doesn't deserve the terrible way you brought him up."

There was silence and before Peter and Justin had time to move, Mr Standall furiously strode passed them both, eyeing Justin with the same disgusted stare from before.

Justin wanted to say something...even opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Justin was once again held back by Peter's arm. Mr Standall also looked as if he was on the verge of saying something, yet he couldn't because a frazzled Nurse Bruny (obviously a few minutes late for work) told him to leave, so, hurriedly, with a hand clutched to his right cheek, Mr Standall left the hospital.

"Go mom." Peter cheered.

Nurse Standall smiled, modestly, and gave the other nurse a thank-you. Justin found himself grinning too, hoping he could one day give Bryce the same treatment if he needed to. But fuck, Justin was weak and had already told Bryce he'd never see him again. Maybe that was enough. Maybe Bryce would find himself in jail some day soon. Maybe Justin would too. He was an accessory to rape after all.

He hadn't really thought about that. Wasn't sure he wanted to. Yet again, the reason for why he didn't want those tapes going viral had nothing to do with protecting himself, but instead had everything to do with protecting Jess.

Justin remembered telling Clay that. He felt like he owed it to both Clay and Jess to tell someone the truth about why he acted so sour around people. Though, he also felt guilty that his feelings for Jess were not the same as they once were.

Whenever they had sex, Justin always thought about light blue eyes and dyed, blonde hair. He thought about nose piercings and cardigans. He thought about Alex. Not Jessica.

Just thinking about Jessica caused nothing but guilt to whir around in his mind, and the thought of Alex caused butterflies to swarm inside his stomach.

He wondered if Alex still felt the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobia, mentions of suicide and swearing.


End file.
